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The little yellow blob roams around a maze being spooked by ghosts and popping pills. No
wonder this webgame's staggeringly addictive.
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The grandaddy of retro gaming. We all know how irritating aliens can be, but not more so
then when they start wobbling at you.
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Retro gaming at its finest. Many a kid spent their college tuition on games like this
one.
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Like sands in the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
Yeah Right! Use the left mouse button to draw lines, and
the right button to erase.
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Since it is illegal to do in most states, this game is a great
way to relieve stress LEGALLY!
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The craziest, most insane aquarium is sure to take up much of
your spare time.
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Much like the original Missle Commander, this game is simple:
shoot down the rocks and save your base station, or DIE!
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Carefully manage your bike through the trial track. Try to complete
it with no errors, don't worry about the time.
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This is a pretty cool flight simulator and role playing
game (RPG) based on the classic sci-fi series.
This game is located at Sci-Fi.Com
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You control a U.F.O., and your job is to abduct the humans and
get them back to your mother ship for harvesting!
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A mod of the classic word search, this puzzle solving game
requires speed to continue from level to level. A new puzzle
daily.
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This is the best Mancala game I have ever seen! Cute bugs
and a great help feature make this game. One or Two players.
Three levels.
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Flex your tessellation muscle and get those falling blocks into place sharpish. It fulfils
every need - very addictive yet totally futile.
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This one will test your memory to the limit, if not your sanity. See for
how long you can remember the sequence of lights.
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A new crossword puzzle every day. Surely it is a game for the
intellectual . . . but the weak minded could enjoy this as well.
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Another great mod, this "Walls" knock
off is a tough puzzle solving game that sure to challenge even
the most intelligent.
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<% elseif pageview = "Jokes" then %>
<% if thisdayt = "1" then %>
Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
<% elseif thisdayt = "2" then %>
The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "The Simpsons" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a Dr. Pepper in one hand and Doritos in the other.
<% elseif thisdayt = "3" then %>
Top ten signs that someone is too drunk
10. They have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking them.
8. The back of their head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Their idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. They can focus better with one eye closed.
5. They fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets them when they come in.
4. They haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that they have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. They don't recognize Their wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. They spent more time on the floor than they do standing up.
<% elseif thisdayt = "4" then %>
Books on Tape We Don't Want to Hear
1. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
2. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Bill Gates
3. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
4. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
5. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
6. Fried Green Tomatoes as read by Howard Stern
7. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
8. Moby Dick as read by Jonah
9. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Saddam Hussein
10. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
<% elseif thisdayt = "5" then %>
Top Ten Things To Do While Giving Blood
10. Watch the bag fill.
9. Hyperventilate.
8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.
5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.
4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
3. Faint.
2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"
<% elseif thisdayt = "6" then %>
Top ten signs you bought a bad computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
<% elseif thisdayt = "7" then %>
Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
<% elseif thisdayt = "8" then %>
How to please your IT department
A quick check list for those who need to make contact
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby
pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find
it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your
password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to
know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only
to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line
from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number
and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good
argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just
how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into
black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of
them is bound to work.
<% elseif thisdayt = "9" then %>
An Autobiography
I was born at an early age in a hospital, to be near my mother. We wer so poor that we didn't
live on the other side of the tracks. We lived in the middle. When I was young my folks moved
a lot. . .but I always found them.
My mother and father are in the iron and steel business. My mother irons and my father steals.
Our neighborhood was so bad that when they tore it down the built slums. I was a tough kid. In
fact, I was the only kid on the block who had barbed wire around the top of his playpen. Tough?
Why man, I was four before I knew I had fingers. And the neighborhood was tough too. Any kid
with two ears was new. Any cat with a tail was a tourist. Our main fun time was playing stick
ball in the street. When it rained I played right gutter. I was ugly too. When I was a baby my
mother didn't push the baby buggy, she pulled it. I had long curls until I was ten. I wish you
could have seen the look on the little boy's face the day I got my hair cut...the little boy
that used to carry my books to school.
It was in high school that I had my first romance. My girlfriend was different. She had very
affectionate eyes...they looked at each other all the time. I won't say she was crosseyed, but
every time she cried the tears ran down her back. The doctor called it bacteria. And she had
lovely golden hair flowing down her back. None on her head...just down her back. And there was
something strange about her teeth. She was the only girl I knew who on Halloween bobbed for
applesauce. And was she ever fat! She sat in my English class...in the first two rows. But I
didn't mind because anywhere I sat in the room I was next to her. The teacher didn't mind
either because every time she turned around she erased the blackboard. Why, we were downtown
one day and she got weighed on one of those scales that give your weight on a little card.
Her's said "one at a time, please". One day she was wearing a red, white and blue dress and
five people tried to mail a letter. And was she lazy. Every Saturday all she did was sit
around the house...and she was so bowlegged that she sar AROUND the house. I remember the
first time we met. She was sitting on a bench near the cafeteria. I sat down beside her and
she cocked an eye at me, I cocked an eye at her, and there we sat looking cockeyed at each
other. The last I heard of her she had run off with another guy and got married by a Justice
of the Peace. After the ceremony the guy asked the Justice of the Peace how much he owed. The
Justice said, "Just give me what you think she's worth," The guy gave him a quarter, The
Justice gave him fifteen cents change.
After high school I went in the army. And you know the army. They've got two sizes of
uniforms...too large and too small. I won't say what size mine was, but I had to turn around
in it three times before my shoes turned once. After I was in for a couple of weeks, I was
walking down the street, and some guy with oak leaves on his uniform passed by. I just kept
on walking, and he yelled, "Hey, Private, didn't you see my uniform?" I said, "Don't sweat it
buddy, look what they gave me!"...After I got out of the guard house, we were sent overseas.
We had a sargeant who stuttered, and we were marching to the ship, and before he could say
H-H-H-H-H-Halt!", 17 of us had marched right off the dock. We were fished out, and got up on
the deck, and the crazy sargeant yelled, "Fall in!", and I said, "Sarge, we just got out."
Brother was it a rough crossing to England. That was one boat trip I took by rail. I was
standing there hanging over the side, and some smart guy said, "What's the matter? Got a weak
stomach?" I said, "No, sir, I am throwing it just as far as anyone else!" The sarge came over
and asked if the general had come up yet. I said, "If I swallowed hime, then he's com up."
When we landed in England, I was shaking all over...with patriotism. One day in the heat of
the battle, the sarge told us that at sunrise, then thousand Germans would come charging over
the hill. And sure enough, next morning, here they came right at me, like I started the war
or something. The sarge yelled, "Fire at Will!" Ten thousand Germans, and I'm supposed to know
their names! It was on that day that I was wounded in action. Oh well, my mother always told
me that I would get it in the end.
<% elseif thisdayt = "10" then %>
Are you skinny and run down?
Are you so thin you have to wear skis in the bathtub to keep from going down the drain?
When you turn sideways and stick out your tongue, do you look like a zipper?
When you drink strawberry pop, do you look like a thermometer?
Then you need Fatrical - the product that adds weight to you. Fatrical is not a capsule,
it is not a solid, it is not a liquid - it's a gas that you inhale. Fatrical comes
in one delicious gas flavor - mustard. It costs only $4.95 a case, and the equipment
for inhaling it costs only $5,678. This includes a 10,000 cubic foot tank, 300 feet of
hose, three pumps, two filter tips, and a partridge in a pear tree.
<% elseif thisdayt = "11" then %>
The W.C.
An English lady while visiting in Switzerland was looking for a room and she asked the
school-master if he could recommend one. He took her to see several rooms, and when
everything was settled, the lady returned home to make final preparations to move.
When she arrived home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a "W.C" in the
place. (A W.C. is a "water closet" or a bathroom) So she immediately wrote a note to
the school-master asking him if there was a W.C. in the place. the school-master was
a very poor student on English, so he asked the Parish Priest if he could help in the
matter. Together they tried to find the meaning of the letters, W.C. The only solution
they could find for the letters was "Wayside Chapel" The school-master then wrote the
following letter to the English lady:
My Dear Madam:
I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated nine miles from the
house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely ground.
It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As
there are a great number of people expected during the summer months, I suggest that
you come early, although usually there is plenty of standing room. This is an
unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habbit of going regularly. It may
be of some interest to know that my daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there
that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were 10
people to every seat usually occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the espressions
on their faces.
You will be flad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunches and make a
day of it, while tose who can afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would
especially recommend your ladyship to go on Thursdays when ther is an organ
accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent, and even the most delicate sound can be
heard everywher.
The newest addition is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings
everytime a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide for the plush seats for
all, since the people feel it is long needed. My wife is rather delicate so she
cannot attend regularly. It is almost a year since she went last, and naturally it
pains her very much not to be able to go more often.
I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, shere you shall be seen by all.
For the children, there is a special day and time so that they do not disturb the
elders.
Hoping to be of some service to you,
The School Master
<% elseif thisdayt = "12" then %>
I've used all my sick days...
I'm calling in dead.
- Garfield
<% elseif thisdayt = "13" then %>
The following letter was sent out as a prank to a larg-size office building.
More than 35 complaints were received.
DATE: MAY 2, 1985
TO: ALL TENANTS
FROM: BUILDING SUPERVISOR
SUBJECT: NEW RTP POLICY
In the past, tenants were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal
guidelines. Effective June 1, 1985, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established
to provide a consistent method of accounting for each tenant's restroom time and
ensuring equal treatment of all tenants.
Under this new policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each tenant.
The first day of each month, tenants will be given a Restroom Trip Credit good for 20
visits. Restroom Trip Credits cannot be accumulated from month to month.
Currently, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with Personal Identification
Security Stations using computer-linked voice print recognition. During the next three
weeks, each tenant will be required to furnish two copies of the voice prints (one
normal and one under stress) to the Building Utilities Task Team. The voice print
recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the month of May;
tenants should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period of time.
If an tenant's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero (-0-), the doors to the
restroom will not unlock for that tenant's voice until the first of the next month.
In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed toilet roll retractors.
If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm sounds, the roll of
paper in the stall will retract into the holder, the toilet will flush and the stall
door will open.
If you have any questions concerning this new policy, please contact your immediate
supervisor.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter!
<% elseif thisdayt = "14" then %>
Everybody thinks all I do is sit around & drink beer all day.
NOT TRUE!
Sometimes I throw up.
- Unknown
And some people enjoy this?
<% elseif thisdayt = "15" then %>
Ohhh! They have the internet on computers now.
- Homer J. Simpson
<% elseif thisdayt = "16" then %>
Check This Out! It's Really Strange...
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do
not raed ervey lteter by istlef but the wrod as a wlohe. Initserentg!!!
<% elseif thisdayt = "17" then %>
t Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
<% elseif thisdayt = "18" then %>
t t The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
<% elseif thisdayt = "19" then %>
t Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
<% elseif thisdayt = "20" then %>
t Books on Tape We Don't Want to Hear
1. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
2. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Bill Gates
3. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
4. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
5. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
6. Fried Green Tomatoes as read by Howard Stern
7. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
8. Moby Dick as read by Jonah
9. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Saddam Hussein
10. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
<% elseif thisdayt = "21" then %>
t Top Ten Things To Do While Giving Blood
10. Watch the bag fill.
9. Hyperventilate.
8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.
5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.
4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
3. Faint.
2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"
<% elseif thisdayt = "22" then %>
t Top ten signs you bought a bad computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
<% elseif thisdayt = "23" then %>
I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T.
- Homer J. Simpson
<% elseif thisdayt = "24" then %>
t How to please your IT department
A quick check list for those who need to make contact
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby
pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find
it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your
password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to
know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only
to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line
from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number
and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good
argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just
how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into
black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of
them is bound to work.
<% elseif thisdayt = "25" then %>
t Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
<% elseif thisdayt = "26" then %>
t The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
<% elseif thisdayt = "27" then %>
t Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
<% elseif thisdayt = "28" then %>
t Books on Tape We Don't Want to Hear
1. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
2. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Bill Gates
3. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
4. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
5. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
6. Fried Green Tomatoes as read by Howard Stern
7. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
8. Moby Dick as read by Jonah
9. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Saddam Hussein
10. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
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t Top Ten Things To Do While Giving Blood
10. Watch the bag fill.
9. Hyperventilate.
8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.
5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.
4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
3. Faint.
2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"
<% elseif thisdayt = "30" then %>
t Top ten signs you bought a bad computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
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Fifty fun things to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
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